You may have been wondering if I’ve been lost in a void after 3 months of radio silence. I have, but it wasn’t quite the emptiness you’d expect from a void. There was painting, thinking, work, what Texans would call a blizzard, and so forth. All things I wanted to write about, but haven’t had the time to turn those events and productivity into words here for the blog.
It seems to be a weighing problem that I can’t find enough time to do the things that truly matter to me – besides bathing and eating. I seriously would like to know how other people happily manage life because I can’t figure it the fuck out.
I spent the better part of April learning how to use Lightworks (because it was high time I started using legitimate video editing software and to stop using the terrible Windows Editor) and then editing these lost months of project footage into a short video. I didn’t capture the usual depth of all the stories I haven’t had time to share, but in so few words, and lovely cinematography, I think the video explains well enough what’s been going on.
Maybe someday I’ll write a memoir to make up for all the missed details. Oh, who am I kidding. I will have forgotten everything by then.
I started writing this post almost 2 weeks ago, but didn’t like the introduction or the angle of leading into what I wanted to write about. I want good content in my blog, of course. But since I started this post on and off again with morale swings like an unbridled bouncy ball, I’ve decided that the current circumstances warrant me an entitled I-do-what-I-want attitude. I need to stop feeling like whatever I want to write about isn’t good enough to be shared. So, I’m going to recap my time and thoughts spent in May and maybe you’ll glean something useful or entertaining from it all. I’m pretty sure you will, because I’m including an additional recap of La Tomatina – in AVI format – which is pretty awesome.
All things considered, May was an eventful and busy month.
In the first week, I celebrated my cousin’s birthday with some family and friends and fired firearms for the first time. The picture below completely embodies the uncertainty I felt about it.
Questioning life choices.
I have wanted to learn how to handle a gun for a long time now. It’s mostly because I’m Texan, and a little bit because it behooves me to understand a thing I’m afraid of and how to use it properly. For the record, I’m still afraid of guns, but I feel more(?) comfortable(?) being near them.
The following week I met a friend at a brewery that opened for the first time since everything closed down in March. Don’t laugh at me, but this was an exciting moment where I felt a kind of sensory overload rediscovering the sounds, sights and smells of being in a public place with brews and a buddy.
Cheers to beers.
The next day I went to Galveston with a friend and spent an entire afternoon on the beach getting sunburned alongside other cooped up individuals trying to make the most of the continuation of a shitty situation. The thing that surprised me most about this mini adventure is how comfortable I felt being so close to other people and their families. Normally, I prefer my distance from others for a getaway – growing up a city girl means quiet is hard to come by and the ultimate escape from a city is to be in solitude. This time, however, I quite enjoyed watching and listening to people run around me, unburdened by our reality.
It was shortly after the beach trip when I purchased a book about art therapy and, literally, that night had one of the best dreams I can remember in my entire life.
I was enrolled in college in a very high demand art class and Annalise Keating was the professor. Yikes, right? But actually, it was a pleasant environment and no one died. Elle Fanning was there, too, but as a student. There are always a lot of things happening in my dreams, but I couldn’t remember what else that was – only the arts. Sitting in a classroom, I watched my classmates work on things like landscape watercolors, layered picture installations that appeared 3D, and wood carvings. Elle was painting a kind of family portrait with a bright red checkered backdrop and lots of faded mint green in the foreground, hinted in skin and clothes. Later, there was a gallery opening featuring all of the work. One piece that remains vivid in my memory was a shadow box, about 16 by 16 inches, with an unpainted, intricately wood-carved sailboat sitting in front of a seascape painted canvas with a wood-carved braided ship rope strung across the front glass almost from corner to corner. It was soooo gooood. All of the pieces were. I don’t remember making one with my own hands, but every piece created was something I envisioned. Pretty wild concept to think about.
I gently awoke the following morning to sunlight gilding the edges of my curtains, relishing still in the beauty of inspiration and creations I dreamed up. It was a beautiful feeling to wake up that morning.
Despite all the things I haven’t gotten around to creating yet, I do feel accomplished having made the video about my La Tomatina experience. It was something I thought about doing after I posted my first story-painting on YouTube. The motivation sprung upon me as dad’s garden tomatoes grew more robust and ruddier. I took pictures of his plants and painted an impressive replica, if I say so myself. I mixed video footage of the painting and the festival, kindly provided by my tomato blood sister, and narrated the story of my experience.
The finale of the month closed with a second birthday celebration; my sisters turned 27. I wanted to do whatever the girls wanted, so a group of us spent the weekend away at Medina Lake. The trip definitely had its ups and downs. My personal downs were being concerned with the cost of everything and, in general, dealing with feels that seem unrelatable to everyone I know. The group down was not getting to access the lake – which I think was the underlying factor in choosing that location. Those aside, I can’t deny enjoying the natural beauty surrounding us, the delicious food and drink we shared, tossing a football while hosing each other (since we were adorned in swimsuits with no water to wade in) and creating these memories in the flesh.
Sunset view of Medina Lake.
And now that I’ve reached the end of this post, I’m torn about spending the rest of the day falling deeper down the rabbit hole of The Vampire Diaries I began some days ago or working on a watercolor project for Grandma. Hmm…seriously, tough call.
Of all the things I thought about putting in a blog, a virus
wreaking havoc on the world was the furthest from my mind.
It’s been a rather surreal past 2 weeks as I watch the world around me close up shop to lessen the chances of spreading COVID-19. My European friends have informed me what it’s been like for them with a myriad of adjectives, some of which resonate with me, too.
Let me back it up a super long time ago real quick so you have the perspective of, well, my perspective on all of this. Basically, I used to be afraid of people and the world in general. Not in a drastic, agoraphobic way, but definitely in a borderline anxiety attack keeps me from socializing and having a good time in public kind of way.
Fast forward 20 years with a lot of life experiences that helped pull me out of that cocoon little by little to make me feel the way I do now: I can do anything (on my best days).
So, for the person I am today, being more or less forced to shack up at home (with my parents on the east side of the city – please help me), because businesses, social functions, my current employers, and places I enjoy to visit are shutting down, is stirring up a lot of frustration. I am not afraid of what’s happening. Like my European buddies, I am annoyed by the disruption. Seemingly unlike them, I am also angry.
Anger is a really stupid fucking emotion to have. Nonetheless, it’s been rising up in waves as more things I can’t control are changing and impeding my desires to go out, to move forward.
So, the analytical side of me has started to dissect and reflect on what’s really going on, because, in case you didn’t know, psychologists say anger is a mask over a truer emotion. Usually, it’s fear.
But wait, didn’t I say I’m not afraid? Yes, and that’s true. I am not afraid of living with a “virus on the loose.” I am, however, fearful of something else…
My anger is masking feelings of helplessness and uncertainty. I feel like my life is suspended in this strange moment when I so badly want it to keep moving towards where I envision it.
While this isn’t the first time ever I’ve felt helpless in the event of many a natural disaster before, I had things I don’t have right now; a stable career, my own home and a partner (and health insurance). Even though the whole fucking world is dealing with the same thing, I feel a bit like I’m in it alone without a safety net.
With a better idea of my truer emotions, I have been seeking ways to channel and manage them. Writing about all of this has been pretty helpful today. I also recently made a spoof rant video about the virus and hysteria behind it, which I am considering posting on YouTube as another form of expression. (If you can’t fight it, make fun of it.) With YouTube in mind, however, I’ve been struggling with video editing and making art while I don’t feel totally motivated. I am distracted with my suspension and the worldly chaos I’m allowing to invade my brain space.
This past Sunday, though, I found an uplifting message I want to share. I was in Montrose visiting a friend who suggested walking to the bookstore after I said let’s go for a walk. We hit the clearance section, slowly perusing around it before making our way through games and music. After, I wanted to look at graphic novels for a new read since I’m nearing the end of The Walking Dead saga.
You know how sometimes you can feel an energy drawing you towards it? I could feel the section inviting me to look through it as I leisurely picked a handful of books, read the summaries and put them back. Some minutes later, a title caught my eye. It made me feel better. I pulled it and read the summary.
The book has absolutely nothing to do with the current state of affairs, but I think it’s the exact encouragement I needed to see, needed to be reminded of. In similar words, the thing I try to tell myself when I become distraught. The summary also led me to think of a friend I’d made at the La Tomatina festival last year who is navigating a sort of mid-life crisis like myself.
I bought the book.
I want this message to stick in my mind and yours, if you’re feeling like I am. I want this to remind you of everything else in your life that you have survived.
I hope you all remain sane and healthy until doors start opening again.
Hello there! I can’t believe nearly a full month has passed since my last post – oh, wait. Yes, I can…
I spent part of the month tossing around an idea and the
rest of the time implementing it. I
wasn’t too sure what to write about during the in-between. I suppose I didn’t feel like anything
significant enough was happening to compel me to write. Until now!
Someone expanded to YouTube. Indeed, and I think a lot of the foreseeable blog posts will be comprised of crafting videos and of my face. Like, my actual face speaking to you. So, that’s fun, right?! Stay tuned and por favor disfruta:
