School Days and The Nursery

Posted on by heykat

Hello, all!  In the last post I finally caught you up from the cliffhanger I left back in September when I was very close to giving up on Dallas.  As fate would have it, Dallas hasn’t given up on me.

I described a bit about being quite busy at the tail end of last year.  It felt like everything was coming together so quickly and I was completely unprepared for it. Just before this new direction took off I was already getting comfortable with the idea of moving back to Houston and reconciling with myself that perhaps I needed another long stint of travel to clear my head and reinvest in the blog, YouTube channel and art projects. I think I wouldn’t have minded a roadtrip around the states, but I am so grateful finally to be working in nonprofit. This is what I’ve wanted since before I left the oil and gas industry.

After I agreed to the job offer, I had about a month to find an apartment.  Pigeons aside, this place is ok.  I enjoy my balcony when they aren’t there shitting on it and I’ve been experimenting with potted gardening. This place is also much quieter than the last.  It’s like I traded in neighbors in their twenties with no sense of consideration for working professionals who understand 10pm curfews and cheap building construction. Moving to a third floor unit with no elevator –no elevator– was exhausting, so I hope things continue being ok here.

Luckily I was able to get a bit moved in before I started the new gig because – that was a lot in the beginning. A lot of information, a lot of rebuilding broken processes, and a lot of mental capacity used up every day that left me welcoming lazy evenings on the couch with Netflix. Soon came the holidays, family time, the winter air and my attention was far turned away from updating the blog. Ringing in the new year also brought upon the first day of my winter semester.  

Of college.

Surprise! Yours truly has reentered the educational system for an unfinished degree.  You may be further surprised to hear that I was so pumped about the idea of working for a school (before I had the worst job interview ever) that I decided I needed the degree if this was the direction my career was headed. I have to commend myself for getting so motivated to follow through and condemn the universe for being a jerk to me on reaching that point.

I dipped my toes straight away into an accelerated 8-week summer course and a regular 10.5-week course, which was beyond tricky to balance with a full time job. Unfortunately, the pace of chapter readings and homework assignments was too much for me to handle both classes so I dropped the longer course (because all of 4 days into the school semester, it was too late to drop the accelerated class for a full refund). I noted not to take another accelerated class and powered through the summer.

Faced with the potential transition back to Houston, I relinquished studies for the fall semester thinking I didn’t have the focus nor the money for classes. Once the new apartment and job were settled, I signed up for 2 (regular length) classes for winter, which is a perfectly manageable load for anyone who doesn’t work full time, have to cook for herself, desire a social life, or upkeep a home.

You may have realized that 10.5 weeks for a class is rather short. That’s because it is. It’s a bittersweet experience enrolled at a quarter-semester university. The classes are over before you know it, but you’re working twice as hard next to the 2-semester institutions.

Winter was brutal. 

I managed to get an A and A- in my classes, but trust when I tell you I had little time for ANYTHING else. Natural Reader Text became my best friend, allowing me to listen to chapter readings while I cooked and cleaned. Although, the only real cleaning done was laundry and dishes. 

Socializing was but maybe once out a week, but only after spending a few hours on something for school first. School and the new job were my whole gd life for those 10.5 weeks.  It was ok at first, but my mental health eventually took a toll.  I felt like I was getting pulled apart limb by limb, giving away myself to every possible thing – except myself. What me time I had was dedicated to an hour of mindless watching something on YouTube or Netflix, and sleep.
It was too cold to exercise.

One overwhelming positive out of that torture was that I thoroughly enjoyed my course on sustainability. Self-sustainability is a hot interest of mine because it’s something with which I struggle. But this course opened up a whole new world of community engagement, efforts and how sustainable practices help people, economics and the earth. I learned a lot from the reading prompts and my independent research, and walked away from the class feeling empowered and enlightened. That’s the kind of experience I desire from learning.

For the spring semester I’ve gone easier and enrolled in only 1 class which is a couple days shy of ending. I plan to take only 1 over the summer as well. Taking 2-3 classes per semester would enable me to graduate in 2 years, however, I am not about that miserable workaholic life.

The world is constantly changing. I do not know how my life will look or what goals will have changed a year from now, so I may as well take it a little easier and have the time to enjoy other important parts of my life.

Family, in fact, has suddenly become one of those more important elements.

My sister announced to the family last December that her and hubby are expecting a little bundle in June (this month?!) and we are all beyond the moon excited for them! The new addition will be the first unity baby, permanently joining two families into one.
Not living nearby has stirred up some emotional moments, but I can’t wait to be an auntie. I will need the free time from a relaxed school semester to get back into knitting cutesy things and spending more weekends in the Houston area.

My last trip down to H-town was in early May when I wrapped up the nursery mural my brother-in-law and sister asked me to paint. I think it’s the largest painting I’ve ever done – and possibly the most difficult! I chose oil as the medium because I favor it over acrylic, but I think the biggest hurdle was not having a clean canvas to work on.
To all the other creatives out there commissioned by family to paint bedroom murals: request your loved ones sand down the existing paint and texture to make the wall canvas easier to work. Though there is a caveat; if you’re painting mountains, then consider leaving a little texture for some sick looking mountain veins.

Art Vlogging Thoughts, Projects and Vulnerability

Posted on by heykat

You may have been wondering if I’ve been lost in a void after 3 months of radio silence. 
I have, but it wasn’t quite the emptiness you’d expect from a void.  There was painting, thinking, work, what Texans would call a blizzard, and so forth.  All things I wanted to write about, but haven’t had the time to turn those events and productivity into words here for the blog. 

It seems to be a weighing problem that I can’t find enough time to do the things that truly matter to me – besides bathing and eating.  I seriously would like to know how other people happily manage life because I can’t figure it the fuck out.

I spent the better part of April learning how to use Lightworks (because it was high time I started using legitimate video editing software and to stop using the terrible Windows Editor) and then editing these lost months of project footage into a short video.  I didn’t capture the usual depth of all the stories I haven’t had time to share, but in so few words, and lovely cinematography, I think the video explains well enough what’s been going on. 

Maybe someday I’ll write a memoir to make up for all the missed details.
Oh, who am I kidding.  I will have forgotten everything by then.

Moving Past the Perception of Loss: A Cleansing in Quarantine

Posted on by heykat

Hello, lovelies!  (Channeling all of the British pleasantries from shows I’ve been watching on Netflix and YouTube.)  In my last entry, I recognized my struggle with control, uncertainty, and fear, and was trying to relinquish it all, because none of those things are positively impactful.  I believe that the perspective one puts on something is how enjoyable or unfavorable a situation can really be.  But sometimes, it is hard to dig up the right kind of perspective. 

And that’s kind of where I was 5 weeks later. 

With every passing day of, seemingly, an unchanged scenario, I felt less optimistic and more defeated.  Especially, after throwing in some hours spent on job submissions that have not yielded favorable results.  I mean, duh… maybe lower your expectations on that one, Kat. 

For being such a logical person, I don’t know how I allow my emotions to get the better of me.

I have spent the past week+ with a weight on my shoulders.  It’s the same one I had when the quarantine first started: suspended where I don’t feel I’m supposed to be.  
I know I can’t control the situation, but I feel this discordance nonetheless.  To try to remedy the new onslaught of discomfort, I searched for things to make myself feel better. 

One day, I drove 20 minutes to a café where I used to hang, got my favorite drink to-go and then spent a few hours at a friend’s house.  Another day, I went for a walk at The Menil with the same friend, then picked up a boba tea to-go from a favorite teahouse.  Another day, I dragged him to Trader Joe’s where we spent most of our grocery experience waiting in lines for 40 minutes so I could buy cheap wine and beer (worth it).  The idea behind all of this was to give myself a taste of my former routine – a little dose of socializing in the flesh and things I hadn’t done since the quarantine began (except for buying beer and wine – definitely had done that a few times).  When those didn’t leave lasting impressions, I pulled out an old project I was excited to finish thinking I just needed to focus on creating.  The truth is, I quickly became disengaged in my project.  I worked on it to the finish line, but I didn’t feel good as I worked or very accomplished when it was done.

And that is just about the worst: feeling crappy while creating. 

I’ve been questioning the same things every time I feel shitty, since the reality of the quarantine sunk in, trying to uncover a missing piece.  So, that started up again after the project. 
Why is this happening?  Why am I stuck in Houston in my childhood home? Why am I in this uncomfortable situation?  Why haven’t I found the job I want?  What happened to all of the good vibes and intuition I felt in January?  What am I supposed to do with this?  What am I gaining from this situation? 
Stop.
The latter, my lovelies, that’s the winning question.

My brain, in its mixed battle of anxiety and resolution-seeking, moves faster than I can blink, and it realized it was onto something.  Instantaneously, the revelations piled up. 

I suddenly realized I’ve been viewing this inconvenience in my life as a loss. 

A loss of things like, money, time and opportunity.  And in turn, these losses have made me feel like I’m failing.  This perception possibly stands for a lot of people out there, especially, financially.  I hope you know that you are not failing, no matter how much it feels like it.  Ask yourself to see the other side.

When I asked myself again, what am I gaining from this situation, I thought about my family.  I haven’t spent so much consecutive time with them since before I officially left home when I was 20.  We aren’t a picture-perfect bunch, and we’ve had our differences, but we take care of each other.

As I dug deeper, I wondered if I what I need in this moment is to be cared for after doing so much independently the past 2 years.  I wondered if I’ve gained all of this time with them because it’s the last chance I’ll have it.

With this in mind, it’s easier for me to let go of the perception of defeat and loss, the worry of not having what I desire right now, and to stop resisting the flow of what’s happening around me. 
I mean, I’m still worried and still feel a bit trapped.  I am Kat, afterall.  But I feel better. I feel better seeing the gains. And it only took me… 5 weeks… but that’s better than 6, no?

Trapped and I’m Not Afraid (Well, Maybe a Little)

Posted on by heykat

Of all the things I thought about putting in a blog, a virus wreaking havoc on the world was the furthest from my mind.

It’s been a rather surreal past 2 weeks as I watch the world around me close up shop to lessen the chances of spreading COVID-19. 
My European friends have informed me what it’s been like for them with a myriad of adjectives, some of which resonate with me, too. 

Let me back it up a super long time ago real quick so you have the perspective of, well, my perspective on all of this.
Basically, I used to be afraid of people and the world in general.  Not in a drastic, agoraphobic way, but definitely in a borderline anxiety attack keeps me from socializing and having a good time in public kind of way. 

Fast forward 20 years with a lot of life experiences that helped pull me out of that cocoon little by little to make me feel the way I do now: I can do anything (on my best days).
 
So, for the person I am today, being more or less forced to shack up at home (with my parents on the east side of the city – please help me), because businesses, social functions, my current employers, and places I enjoy to visit are shutting down, is stirring up a lot of frustration. 
I am not afraid of what’s happening. Like my European buddies, I am annoyed by the disruption. 
Seemingly unlike them, I am also angry. 

Anger is a really stupid fucking emotion to have.  Nonetheless, it’s been rising up in waves as more things I can’t control are changing and impeding my desires to go out, to move forward. 

So, the analytical side of me has started to dissect and reflect on what’s really going on, because, in case you didn’t know, psychologists say anger is a mask over a truer emotion.  Usually, it’s fear. 

But wait, didn’t I say I’m not afraid?  Yes, and that’s true.  I am not afraid of living with a “virus on the loose.” 
I am, however, fearful of something else… 

My anger is masking feelings of helplessness and uncertainty.  I feel like my life is suspended in this strange moment when I so badly want it to keep moving towards where I envision it. 

While this isn’t the first time ever I’ve felt helpless in the event of many a natural disaster before, I had things I don’t have right now; a stable career, my own home and a partner (and health insurance). 
Even though the whole fucking world is dealing with the same thing, I feel a bit like I’m in it alone without a safety net. 

With a better idea of my truer emotions, I have been seeking ways to channel and manage them. 
Writing about all of this has been pretty helpful today.
I also recently made a spoof rant video about the virus and hysteria behind it, which I am considering posting on YouTube as another form of expression.  (If you can’t fight it, make fun of it.)
With YouTube in mind, however, I’ve been struggling with video editing and making art while I don’t feel totally motivated. I am distracted with my suspension and the worldly chaos I’m allowing to invade my brain space.

This past Sunday, though, I found an uplifting message I want to share.
I was in Montrose visiting a friend who suggested walking to the bookstore after I said let’s go for a walk.  We hit the clearance section, slowly perusing around it before making our way through games and music.  After, I wanted to look at graphic novels for a new read since I’m nearing the end of The Walking Dead saga.

You know how sometimes you can feel an energy drawing you towards it? 
I could feel the section inviting me to look through it as I leisurely picked a handful of books, read the summaries and put them back. 
Some minutes later, a title caught my eye.  It made me feel better. 
I pulled it and read the summary. 

The book has absolutely nothing to do with the current state of affairs, but I think it’s the exact encouragement I needed to see, needed to be reminded of. In similar words, the thing I try to tell myself when I become distraught.
The summary also led me to think of a friend I’d made at the La Tomatina festival last year who is navigating a sort of mid-life crisis like myself.

I bought the book.

I want this message to stick in my mind and yours, if you’re feeling like I am. I want this to remind you of everything else in your life that you have survived.

I hope you all remain sane and healthy until doors start opening again.

New Year Outlook and Helpful Articles

Posted on by heykat

Still sorting through that last Madrid post…  Anyway!  When will there ever be a better time than now to write about a new year outlook? 
Next year is too far away, smarty pants.

I officially started both of my new jobs this past week.  I’m not allowed to say much about one, but what I can say is that it’s my first retail gig.  None of the office jobs I applied to over the last few weeks got back to me for an interview.  Honestly though, this job is exactly what I was hoping to get while I’m temporarily here in Houston.  Oh yeah… surprise!  I don’t plan on being in the city by year end.  Temporary work for a temporary home that pays just well enough to cover my current expenses is plenty fine for now. The other job, because I did say jobs, doesn’t pay anything, but I think it’s going to teach me the most and bring me the most joy. 
I am volunteering one day a week to lead an art class with toddlers.  I actually pictured wanting to try this exact kind of work when I had all that time abroad to think about myself and desires.  I mean, I pictured teaching older children and getting paid for it, but I will not dismiss the synchronicities that led me to find this opportunity that is essentially what I thought about as a potential career shift.  Besides, the more exposure I get to different jobs, the easier I will find what truly fits me. (Something I highly recommend doing in your 20’s, but later is, of course, better than never.)

The outlook of 2020 feels good, but I’m not positioned in a constant high of empowerment.  Since I let go of my apartment last summer, I am staying in my old, childhood home with my folks and baby sis, which is a bit weird.  If you’ve ever had to move back in with your folks, then you probably understand what I’m feeling.  Besides the strangeness of living with my family as a 34-year-old woman (just had a birthday…), it’s weird living away from the neighborhoods and things I was surrounded by for the last 8 years.  I can still get to those places and things, which is great, but it’s not even close to being the same. 

A friend of mine asked me if it felt like a step backwards being there, but I completely disagree with that.  Honestly, it feels like these life altering decisions I made have brought me back to a kind of ground zero where I probably need to learn some shit and/or release some shit and/or help someone else with some shit before moving to the next platform. 
Nothing speaks more to that thought than when I came back to the states last month. I spent my first night in Boston to break up the flight time and save a little money on airfare and awoke the next morning to a blanket of snow covering the metropolitan area. It was like, a beautiful, sparkling clean slate welcomed me back home (and I totally frolicked in it).

An old colleague of mine used to say, “this is just a stepping stone,” whenever I became distraught about something I couldn’t change at the office.  From where I’m standing, this is a stepping stone on a path leading me somewhere else. 

Every day is a chance for change and possibility, but sometimes we need a little encouragement.  To kick off the new year, I decided to share a list of articles I found inspirational and supportive since my unravelling in 2018.  I hope you, too, find a spark of light from the following:

Accepting Loneliness
Desire to be Elsewhere
When You Feel Disconnected

(my favorites below)

7 Truths of Personal Growth
7 Questions to Finding Purpose

Happy New Year, everyone!